How To Win Friends and Influence People – Dale Carnegie

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How To Win Friends and Influence People Book Cover How To Win Friends and Influence People
Dale Carnegie
Simon and Schuster
August 24, 2010

This should be taught in elementary school!

I'm happy to say that this book joined my "All-Time Top 5 Books"

So much wisdom and guidance on how to deal with people and to act in away that will encourage cooperation. The kind of book you should go back to every few months, and if you'll improve even at 1 thing each time, your results will improve tremendously.

5 Stars.

If you want to read my notes from the book, click Continue Reading --->

As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation – Hans Selye

Proving someone wrong or condemning someone for their actions as never helped in making long lasting changes in people, often they will defend themselves and attack back.

confucius — ‘Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.’

When dealing with people let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic but creatures of emotions motivated by pride and vanity

“Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody.” – Benjamin Franklin

Thomas Carlyle — ‘A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.’

Samuel Johnson — ‘God Himself, sir, does not propose to judge a man until his life is over. Why should you and I?’

Principle 1 – Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

There’s only 1 way in making anybody do anything, by making the other person want to do it.

Dale Carnegie — ‘Once I did bad and that I heard ever. Twice I did good, but that I heard never.’

There’s different between flattering and appreciation, one comes from the heart out and the other from the teeth out.

Teach me neither to prosper or receive cheap praise

Every man is my superior in some way, in that I learn from him – Hammerson

Principle 3 – Errouse in the other person an eager want

“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” Henry Ford

People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for him – Owen D Young

Part 2 – 6 ways to make people like you

You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people to be interested in you

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow man who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others this is from among such individuals that all human failures spring

One of the best magicians ever used to say to himself every time before he went on stage “lm grateful because these people come to see me, I’m grateful for them for making a living in a very agreeable way, I’m going to give them  the very best I possibly can”

And then he repeated to himself” I love my audience I love my audience I love my audience”

We are interested in others when they are interested in us

Chapter 2 – A simple way to make a good first impression

The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back

Actions speak louder than words and a smile says I like you, you make me happy, I’m glad to see you

People are rarely succeed in anything unless they have fun doing it

There Is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so – Shakespeare

Most persons are about as happy as they make up their minds to be – Abe Lincoln

A man without a smiling face must not open a shop

The average person is more interested in his/her own name than all the other names in the world put together

Remember a name and call it easily, and you paid a very subtle and genuine compliment, but forget it or misspelled it, and you position yourself at a sharp dispositions

The story of  how Andrew Carnegie and George Pullman became partners

Remember names and make people feel important

Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices

People fail to leave good impression because they don’t listen attentively and only wait for the other person to do finish talking so they can start

Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience

A boil on one’s neck interests one more than 40 hearth

Always make the other person feel important

The desire to be important is the strongest urge in human nature – John Dewey

Do onto others as you would have others onto you

Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours / Benjamin Disraeli

  1. Become genuinely interested in other people
  2. Smile
  3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the most beautiful sound in any language
  4. Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves
  5. Talk in terms of the other person interest
  6. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely

How to win people to your way of thinking

  1. You can’t win an argument

There’s only one way under high heaven to win an argument and that is – To avoid it!

Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love – Buddha

You can not reach a man anything, you can only help him to find it within himself – Galileo

Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell em so – Lord Chesterfield

One thing only I know and that is, I know nothing – Socrates

When an argument arises, say “I may be wrong, I usually am, let’s examine the facts”

If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self criticism than condensations from alien lips

I judge people by their own principles, not by my own

The police officer and the dog story

By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than expected

The story of the wind and the sun and the man with the coat  

A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gold

The secret of Socrates

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things you differ, begin by emphasizing and keep on emphasizing the things in which you agree

Keep emphasizing if possible that you are both striving for the same end and that you’re only difference is the one of method and not of purpose

Get the other person saying yes, yes at the outset.

Keep your opponent if possible from saying no

A no response is the most handicapped to overcome

The Socratic method

He who treads softly goes far

If you want enemies, excel your friends, but if you want friends, let your friends excel you

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

How to get cooperation

Make suggestions and have the other person think out the conclusions

An executive urged his people to state what they expect from him and wrote it on the blackboard

, then he said, “I’ll give you all these qualities you expect from me, now tell me what I have a right to expect from you”

In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts, they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty

“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.” – Lao Tsze

“Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s’ viewpoint.” Kenneth M Goode

Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

“’I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a man’s office for two hours before an interview than to step into his office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person from my knowledge from his or hers interests and motives was likely to answer” – Dean Donham

“I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do, if I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do”

When someone writes you an angry letter, the right thing to do is to write a response back, save it as draft for two days, then look at it and decide of you really want to send it (you usually don’t)

Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

Chapter 10 Appeal to the nobler motives

Chapter 11 Dramatize your ideas

Chapter 12 – Throw down a challenge

The way to get things done is to stimulate competition, not in a sorted, money getting way but in the desire to excel

“All man have fears, but the braves put down their fears and go forward. Sometimes to death but always to victory” Kings guard, aintent Greece

“I have never found, that pay and pay alone will either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself”

The most motivating thing for people is the work itself

The 12 principles of winning people to your way of thinking

  1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
  2. Show respect for the other person’s opinion, never say “you’re wrong”
  3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
  4. Begin in a friendly way
  5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately
  6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
  7. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers
  8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
  9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
  10. Appeal to the nobler motives
  11. Dramatize your ideas
  12. Throw down a challenge

Be a leader – How to change people getting offense or arousing resentment – Begin with praise and honest appreciation

Chapter 1 – If you must find fault this is the way to begin

It’s always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we’ve heard some praise of our good points

Chapter 2 – How to criticize and not be hated for it

Change the word “but” to “and”

Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism

Chapter 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen a recital of your own faults, if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he too is far from impeccable

If you failed to praise before criticising, do the next best thing and praise after criticising

Admitting one’s own mistakes, even when one hasn’t corrected them, can help convince somebody to change his behavior

Chapter 4 – No one likes to take orders

Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time—even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable, it often stimulates the creativity of the person who you asked.

People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued

Chapter 5 – Let the other person off with save face

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.

I have no right to say or do anything that diminished a man in his own eyes, what matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime – antoine de saint-exupéry

Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it.  And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise. – Jess Lair

Chapter 6 – Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement, be hearty in your approbations and be lavish in your praise

When praise is specific it comes across as sincere not something the other person is saying just to make one feel good

Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake, we are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus live far within his limits, he possesses powers of various source, for which he habitually fails to use – William James

Chapter 7 – Give a person a fine reputation to live up to

In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said, “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

“Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him. Give him a good name and see what happens”

Chapter 8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

Chapter 9 – Make the other person happy about the thing you suggest

Effective leader should keep the following in mind:

  1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you can not deliver.Forget about the benefits to yourself and focus on the benefits to the other person
  2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
  3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants
  4. Consider the benefits the other person will receive from doing what you suggest
  5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants
  6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey the other person the idea that he personally will benefit
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